Different styles of parenting

Yesterday I came across a difficult case which has made me to think about why some parents find themselves in difficulty while handling the unexpected behavior of their children. It may not be appropriate to discuss the case here but let us try to understand the possible ways of parenting and you can decide yourself which style might prove to be good for you and your child. There are some factors which cannot be controlled by the parents, like genetics and the impact of external factors including media and the society in which the child is growing, but one factor which I feel influences the children most can be controlled and modified if need be, and that is the parenting style.

A research psychologist at the University of California, Dr. Baumrind has studied different parenting styles for about forty years. Many researchers used the findings of Dr. Baumrind and refined them further. Her focus had been to identify the parenting styles which can turnout autonomous children who are independent, capable and loving. In schools as well as at home we observe different kind of behavior of the children. Some of them are very shy and introvert and depend for the external help for everything they are asked to do or want to do. Such children are not independent and lack in expressing their emotions publically. The other set of children may have a violent nature and get agitated on very small things and do not feel comfortable if they are advised to do the things which they do not want to do. They are bullying in nature and they do not hide their emotions. There may be other category of the children in which they do their things but do not hesitate in taking the advice from the elders. They will always be loving and caring in nature and also capable of doing the work independently. Based on her findings, Dr. Baumrind identified three styles of parenting- authoritarian, permissive and authoritative.She found that the families in which there is warmth in relations the children grow with positive attitude and if the case is otherwise the things are different. She found that the way the parents connect with their children makes all the difference.Let us try to understand these three styles of parenting -

   The Authoritarian Parent.

The authoritarian parents are very much involved in the development of their children and rely on a strict set of rules within which their children will have to behave and work. They always want their children to follow their instructions and directions and do not do anything not permitted by them. They do not give any scope to the children to put forward their views. Their thinking is ‘you do it, because I told so”. The children in such families are regularly punished for not following the instructions of the parents because these parents are demanding in nature. Such parents demand compliance and no arguments. There will be no apparent problem in such families till the children enter the adolescent age but after that the house might become a war zone because the teens have reached a stage where they want to experiment certain things which may not be allowed by authoritative parents. Though the children from such families may appear to be disciplined but will always have low esteem, poor social skills and high degree of depression. They might lack in curiosity because they were never allowed to see the world with their own eyes. Such children remain very much dependent on others. The alarming fact is that children brought up in this style prove to be more aggressive than the children from families with other parenting style.

   The Permissive Parent.

The permissive parents tend to be more like friends and do not ever force their children to do things which they do not want. The relationship between the parents and the children is quite warm and friendly. Such parents are more responsive and least demanding. They are very much involved with their children but the problem is that they do not insist on the appropriate behavior of the children. They do not take the criticism of their child in a positive manner rather will blame other people for anything not done by their child. If the child behaves poorly the response of the parent would be, “It is just a stage she/he is passing through” or if the child has got low grade the response will be," The teacher did not pay attention to my child”. If the child is not able to do well in games the response of the parent would be," The coach never liked my child”. These parents avoid any confrontation with their children. The rules are not enforced and children in such households are given few responsibilities. One positive outcome of such parenting is that the children might be more creative. They are likely to be lovable individuals, social and enjoy self esteem, but at the same time may be impulsive, immature and may not appreciate the point of view of others. These children tend to be manipulative and have lower achievement in academics and higher rate of substance abuse.

  The Authoritative Parent.

The authoritative parents are warm and accepting and connect well with their children. But at the same time they set clear limits and expectations. They have transparent but strong boundary drawn between themselves and the children and they are not supposed to cross these limits and interfere in each other’s domain. Such parents place high value on cooperation, social responsibility and self regulation. Authoritative parents promote autonomy but with responsibility. They encourage their children to solve their problems themselves, before any help from parents or somebody else. Such parents do not want the things to be achieved through their children which they themselves could not achieve. This liberates the children from being forced to do something of their parent’s choice or liking only. Dr.Baumrind`s research proves that children from authoritative families have more balanced attitude about achievements and failures. High or low grades  do not make them to feel either very happy or sad. These children are likely to have a healthy sense of self and have better interpersonal relationship. They are less involved in bullying etc, and always appreciate others for anything done for them as mentioned before.
What I conclude from all this is that the parenting is one of the most important aspects of the life and the ones who take it seriously and not as the routine will be able to help their children become healthy individuals who will prove to be an asset to the society.