Raising Reflective Kids

Hesiod, a Greek poet of 700BC era once wrote “I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today. All youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders. The present youth are impatient of restraints.”

 Even after so many years this statement is repeated and was repeated by the previous generations also and probably will continue to be used in future also. In my general discussion with parents and teachers, I often come across this phrase “kids these days”. Many parents and teachers conveniently categorize present generation children into a group which is devoid of patience and understanding of the “ways of the world”. These statements might sound familiar; “Kids of this generation do not respect and abide by the rules, kids these days do not value the resources, kids these days have become impulsive and reactive” etcetera. How funnily indifferent we have become to the fact that these impressionable minds emulate, use the resources that we provide in the way we use them, value the things that they are taught to value and react in a manner they observe people reacting around them. The children learn fast from the environment they grow in and most of us ignore this fact.

Where ever we look around these days, we see chaos, we hear noise. Everyone wants to be heard and no one wants to listen. Be it our politicians in Lok Sabha, a discussion panel on TV or group of adults arguing at home; our kids today are exposed to lots of reaction. They have to worry about how their parents will react if they share something with them, how the “people” would react to their achievements, shortcomings and thoughts. Brought up in this “super-reactive environment” our kids are losing on a very important quality, their capacity to be reflective.

This lack of reflection is resulting into aggression among teenagers which adversely affects their life. They tend to shout to get their opinion heard. Rather they “have to” shout to voice their opinions. They tend to be defensive and loud in order to fight with their insecurities as they know people around are going to judge instead of understanding. In many cases, I have observed a child’s face turning stoic and indifferent when she/he is asked about the breech of discipline she/he committed or is enquired about any mistake done on her/his part. We take this indifference as rudeness and disrespect instead of understanding the psychology of the child in that situation where she/he is being blamed and questioned.

Lois Olson, Founder of the Montessori Children's House Inc. Laramie, suggests that we as parents and teachers should be proactive or reflective in our approach while dealing with the kids rather than being reactive. “Reactive approach means, reacting to problems when they occur instead of doing something to prevent them. There is a tendency to act on impulse to establish immediate control. It can be manipulative. It includes, controlling the child with commands and ongoing directives, expecting the child to do what you want instead of understanding the child’s abilities, telling a child how he or she should feel about a situation, shaming and blaming when there is a mistake or problem, punishing and isolating when there is misbehavior, ignoring your child’s emotional needs and regarding the child as a problem and burden etc.”

Focusing on how “reactive” kids have become these days we forget a simple law proposed by Newton, “Every action has equal and opposite reaction” or the biological concept of “response to stimuli”. To put it in simple words, kids will react in response to the way parents, elders and teachers act. To raise reflective kids we need to focus on “reflective parenting and reflective teaching”.

Dr. Regina Pally’ , psychiatrist and Co-founder and Assistant Director of the Center for Reflective Parenting in Los Angeles, recommends on raising children to not be reactive, but instead to be more reflective. She says, “The world has become much more reactive, which of course fuels the lack of cooperation and collaboration.”

Both Pally and Olson suggest that we as parents and teachers need to establish a rapport with our kids so that the kids feel interactive and free to communicate instead of being defensive and thereby aggressive. Proactive or reflective approach includes, “Creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than responding to it after it has happened, managing the environment instead of controlling the child, having reasonable expectations that are developmentally and age appropriate for the child, preparing the child for big changes through explanation and dialog, respecting the child’s unique and individual temperament and learning process, separating the deed from the doer, giving positive attention and encouragement on an ongoing basis, honoring the child’s feelings and believing the best of your child’s intentions and showing open affection and high regard for the child.”

There is nothing wrong in expecting our kids to be thoughtful before they respond but before expecting this we will have to be mindful. We will have to understand their situation and reflect accordingly so that they can also learn the correct way to respond towards people and situations.  Mindfulness has its roots in eastern practices such as meditation and yoga, which are incredibly powerful for calming the mind and body. We should try and include it in our routines as well as our kid’s.

To conclude I would like to say, “more power to reflective parents and teachers” as teachers and parents these days have a lot of responsibility. The times are grim and we will ourselves have to become the examples that we want our kids to emulate. Let us focus more on reflection so that our kids can respond sensitively. “Those with a gift for action, for their part, often express contempt for those whose gifts are more reflective. People of action like to say, “Those who can, do, those who can't, teach,’’; forgetting that those who teach get to write the history books.”