Eradicate Loneliness

This summer gave us an opportunity to experience the serene beauty of Europe, on an educational trip, with around 49 students and teachers. Undoubtedly, it is the epitome of exquisite beauty of nature. Austria, the land of Mozart and waltz, is indeed a medley of sparkling alpine lakes, majestic mountains, and elegant cities, with a rich cultural heritage and one of the highest living standards in the world. Italy has a charisma of its own that stays with you and Paris in France, of course, is suitably called the ‘fashion capital’. It being an educational tour, there was a lot to learn. Yes, the cleanliness and discipline that the people adhere to, makes Europe what it is. You can almost feel the nature breathe and relax amidst the flourishing infrastructure. The dependence on public transport and adherence to rules and regulation keeps the pollution in check and gives a classy decorum to these places. This experience was one of a kind for the students and beside the visual delight and scrumptious cuisine we had excellent guides for satiating the curiosity of the kids.

Interestingly, with the vivid descriptions and historical references, one of the guides during our visit to France gave us a few details that left me perturbed. While describing how expensive the place was, she told us that many people living there have stopped believing in the institution of marriage and those who do get married are not interested in children. Well, if we accept it as a matter of personal choice which we definitely should, what surfaces to be quite unfortunate is the problem of depression and loneliness. It has hiked over the years in the country and people are taking anti-depressants at a higher rate with the passing years. When I look at the zealous, passionate and optimistic faces of the students I wonder what kind of world we are creating for them.

Back home when I read and researched more on the topic, there were some shocking revelations and as it turns out, the problem of increasing depression and loneliness doesn’t just confine itself to Europe. The people in the developed and developing Western and Asian countries are suffering from acute loneliness. The study published by a global health service company, Cigna, found that 46% US adults report sometimes or always feeling lonely and 47% report feeling left out. Cigna calls it “epidemic levels” of loneliness. According to the report Generation Z or those between the ages of 18 and 22 were the loneliest generation. Millennials (ages 23 to 37) were close behind, followed by Generation X (ages 38 to 51). The so called Greatest Generation, those aged 72 or over were ranked as the least lonely. (Source: Huffington Post)

Another recent newspaper report read: Worldwide problem, must reach out, says UK’s Minister of Loneliness. “There are nine million lonely people in the UK, four million of them old. A staggering statistic propelled the UK government to name a Minister of Loneliness last year.” The minister, Mims Davies says, “It’s our culture, where we are almost encouraged to keep ourselves to ourselves- don’t reveal any vulnerability in particular, lest it be misconstrued.” Last month her ministry launched a programme, “Let’s talk loneliness”, to encourage people to talk about their feelings and reach out to others. “Just a small hi, how do you do, can help.” says Davies. When we talk about London and other big cities of UK 56% of the city feels lonely and weekends trigger 15% more loneliness, according to the research. Campaign to End Loneliness, an organization whose job is self evident, reports, “Loneliness isn’t an emotional experience, but it also affects health. It is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and can lead to obesity, physical inactivity and even coronary heart disease. The minister warns, “Loneliness is a worldwide phenomenon. Humanity as a whole needs to be friendlier with each other to eradicate the loneliness scourge from the society.” (Source: Indian Express)

Another gloomy side of this situation can be seen in Japan. Technology has intervened to try and take care of the situation. Paro, a robotic seal at Tokyo’s Silver Wing care facility aims at providing therapy and social interactions. Robots like Paro, designed to provide companionship are part of a range of technologies that have emerged in Japan to combat loneliness. By 2040, 40% of the country dwellers will be solo dwellers. Modern life in Japan, which has had its foot to the economic pedal for decades, may have come at a cost. The consequence of the acute loneliness has been a rise in kodukushi- people dying alone and remaining undiscovered for long periods of time. “The increase in the loneliness and lonely deaths is partly tied to traditional family structures falling apart.” says Masaki Ichinose, a professor at the University of Tokyo. Asian lifestyle has always been traditional. Western lifestyle and nuclear families have taken the place of traditional, multi- generational households which used to serve as a social safety net, especially the elderly. (Source: Huff post)

According to the report in Indian Express, “India may not be better; probably no one has cared enough to research and analyse the situation but at least the chai adda and mohalla talks offer someone to talk to. But it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that issues like loneliness, depression and mental health aren’t yet talked about comfortably and openly in the Indian households. It is very important to acknowledge an issue before we can find solutions. And it is surely not happening in India at a required pace.

So, before we find a mechanism to cope up with loneliness, we need to understand it. It is interesting to note that loneliness doesn’t necessarily seep in during one’s later years or it isn’t necessarily a result of liking solitude or being an introvert. Introverts feel happier and contended in their company and solitude has given a sense of respite to many people. On the other hand a person can feel totally out of place at a party or get-together. Happiness and contentment are clearly considered to be contradictory to loneliness. And quite obviously everyone is seeking happiness in materialistic things or other people. A leading psychologist on Psychology Today writes, “I recall working with several multi-millionaires, who were plainly miserable. So there is nothing intrinsic about wealth that guarantees happiness, nor for that matter can the most gratifying relationships.”

Loneliness buds from overprotection and emptiness. We put up a pretence running from our true selves to find ourselves back at the same place we started. Search for happiness brings one back to oneself. Blinded by our low self esteem, remorse and guilt we fear embracing our own shadow. The seeds of the fear of rejection, inferiority and social anxiety are sown during the early years if a child suffers from parental neglect and unhealthy experiences. They might grow up to become loving parents and spouses but they might endlessly give to seek validation and filling their inner lacuna. Remember, a glass has to be filled to its brim before it can overflow. You cannot give companionship and happiness if you are empty within. So, we need to take control of small things so as to deal with the bigger problems. The change has to be brought from within. Instead of focusing on the lives of others, we need to focus on ourselves. We need to find meaning and purpose of our lives. I always keep telling my students, your job is just going to be a stepping stone in your life, a milestone maybe but it isn’t going to be the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to find a purpose of your existence and give your life a shape according to it. It is extremely unlikely that without the ability to love oneself, a person can ever be happy. What is necessary is healthy self-love and acceptance.

Once you learn how to accept and love yourself, focus on the surroundings. If you want the world to become friendly and accepting you will have to initiate. If you want to reap love, understanding, happiness and acceptance, you need to sow the same. “Nobody has an arrow over their heads that says I am lonely, it is fellow citizens who have to be more perceptive and aware. Ask people who you know may be lonely. Pick up the phone and talk to your friends and others. Don’t just text.” says Minister Davies. We all are looking forward to a beautiful future. Everyone is striving to achieve a settled, stable and perfect life. Aspiring for the same they often forget to enjoy and cherish the little things around like spending time with family, reading to the kids, loving the little imperfections, acknowledging the emotions and simply listening, all ears and heart; because there is nothing in the world which is as comforting as family. Time passes by while we focus on things that are far away from our reach neglecting this bliss spread all around. In the end I would just like to ask my readers to ponder on the same as you listen to Harry Chapin’s “Cat's In the Cradle”: