An Honest Connection can help curb Lies

“Children are the future of the nation and they must be prepared to face the challenges of life, in future.” Such statements are often heard and stated by most of us. The parents and teachers are expected to inculcate values in the kids, especially during early years. Telling truth (not telling a lie), honesty is the best policy etc are some of the important values to be taught. But the question is: Is telling a lie always bad and not allowed at all and this is what I would like to discuss today. 

If we have a casual discussion on this topic, there could be varied range of views. The iconic mythological reference could be that of Lord Krishna where he postulates that lying isn’t always bad if it is used to heal someone emotionally or save a life (this is for innocent people and not the habitual offenders). Other folklore and mythological tales like that of Hindu mythology suggest that honesty hasn’t always been the best policy. Vyasa wrote Mahabharata in the beginning of Kalyug; he knew that lies cannot be avoided. A renowned Tamil poet and one of India’s greatest philosopher allow us to lie sometimes if it can do some good to humanity. Here, I would like to caution that these examples are to be seen in right context.

Now, what is interesting to note here is, that the entire discourse and our perspective around lying changes when the lies come from our children/students. The realization that your child has lied to you is heartbreaking. When parents come to know that their child has lied to them, they are angry and dismayed and when the anger subsides they are left with a sad and puzzled conscience; questioning themselves, as to where they went wrong in the upbringing of their child.

What we forget to consider here is that there is a category of lies that we as parents and teachers applaud and feel proud of. For example, a child has been sick for few days and the concerned mother asks him/her about how he/she was feeling, knowing it well that he was not ok but the child still says, “I am fine”, just to keep his parents stress free. Though he lied in this case but is praised and termed considerate and thoughtful. At the same time when he lies out of fear he is blamed. As discussed in the previous article, there is a need to pay attention to the context in which a child tells something and respond accordingly and not to ridicule the child. We need to carefully balance the praise and criticism as the means for both the ends stated above were lies after all. We need to go beyond, “I am fine”. It is important to note their gestures, body language and energy. This will help us to differentiate between what they are going through and what they are saying.

Pondering on this chain of thoughts, I came across an interesting article by Shelja Sen, ‘Children will lie. It is not a flaw but a necessary milestone.’ My first reaction on reading the title was of course- ‘disappointment’. As an educator, I believe that a child should master the virtue of honesty. But as I went through the article, I was introduced to the other side of the story. We all have lied as kids but as we become parents the values we impart to our kids are dealt in extreme manner. A thing or action is only weighed as right or wrong, black or white. We generally stop probing beneath the surface when it comes to the matters of our preteens and adolescents, the span where lying needs to be understood more than judged. At the outset, Ms Sen writes that lying is necessary. She even states that lying is a milestone as it suggests that the child has imagination and advanced cognitive skills. Now, these lies she refers to here are innocent lies which the child tells in order to be in the good books of his parents/teachers, like: “I have finished my lunch; I did not touch the chocolate in the fridge”. Ms Sen further points out, that lying is also a life skill which a child uses to avoid punishment. Not only this, she states that lying is also a way of being considerate, keeping secrets and creating a sense of power and confidence. With this she also calls it a “pretty smart and sophisticated protective strategy against oppression. Children who grow up in abusive homes might often lie as they have learned very early in life that lying is the only thing that will keep them safe.”

As teachers and parents, we also lie out of consideration, courtesy and sensitivity. When a child isn’t able to secure a position in an art competition in spite of working hard the first response of the teacher is that his artwork is ‘out of this world, you will get it next time’. It is later that the teacher discusses the areas of improvement. Sometimes, parents would call the school teacher and request him/her to find out why the child had taken mobile with him/her without letting the child know that parent had informed the school about it. Sometimes children force their parents to allow them to go for a party (which parents think is not appropriate) so they would call the teachers and ask them to convince the kid, of course with a condition of not telling the child that the father/mother had informed about the same. In many cases when they find out that their child is lying or stealing then also their first and foremost request would be to keep the fact hidden that they had reported or informed the school. In such cases, the child is counseled and made to believe that the school found out about it, at the first place. So, here on the school’s part it was a lie but it was the right thing to do, so that the relationship between parents and children does not get worse.

This reminds me of a beautiful quote, “May everything you say be true, but not everything that is true needs to be said.” Of course, as parents we need to understand that children will lie, and honesty cannot be imposed through lectures, commands and harsh criticism. “They need to get the message that you value honesty and if they do share something with you, then treat them with respect and not react heartlessly.” We need to understand that we cannot label kids as liars, what we need to focus on and get rid of, is the problem of lying. As parents and teachers we need to understand that not everything can be scrutinized from an ethical, moral and righteous lens.

Parents and teachers can develop a deep-rooted sense of connection and understanding with the children which will help them inculcate the virtue of honesty wherein they would comprehend the importance of mutual trust and thus value, being honest. We need to make our kids understand that lies create barriers; they hinder development of trust and get in the way of closeness and intimacy. So, first thing we can do is to don the garb of forgiveness and acceptability to create a safe haven for the kids to express anything honestly, without a sense of embarrassment and doubt. As adults we often forget to differentiate between sight (drishti) and perspective (drishtikone). We need to probe beneath the surface of situations and actions and find out the reason as to why the child is resorting to lies. We need to establish not only through words but also actions, that there is a need to strike balance between freedom and responsibilities and that lying is the misuse of freedom of speech. We need to appreciate their honesty and applaud truth-telling.

Here, I would like to quote an exceedingly thoughtful excerpt from Ms. Sen’s article, “Taking moral or righteousness stand will not work. Our relationship with our children is like a bank account- we are constantly making deposits (love, caring, fun times) and also withdrawing (shouting, scolding, criticizing) from it. Often, when the withdrawals surpass the deposits, it leads to a relationship of bankruptcy and kids might push back by being secretive, rebellious or by lying. So, next time your child lies to you, just reflect on your emotional bank account and start working on making healthy deposits rather than being harsh on him.”

Kids observe their elders as they grow. We need to pass virtues through our actions. It takes strength and courage to admit the truth and we need to show our kids that we are as vulnerable as they are. We do lie but the best part is that we have someone to confide in and mend our mistakes. Let us be that confidant for our kids and sometimes let them feel that they can be our confidant too.

“Every lie is two lies, the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it.” So, what becomes important here is to develop a sense of integrity (the ability to stand by an idea and being honest with oneself) in children with the value of honesty (being truthful with others). And at last, what I want children to remember is this, “When people cheat in an arena, they diminish themselves-they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.” So, no matter how age-old but the truth still is that “Honesty is the first step towards wisdom” and we can inculcate it together.