THE ART OF CREATING BALANCE

During the past few years, the weather has shown an unexpected fluctuation. There is a sudden significant increase in temperature for a few days and then an unanticipated yet noticeable dip. It starts raining any time and not necessarily during the season only.  Well, nature’s extremity subtly nudged me to observe the lack of balance and inclination towards extremes in various matters around me. When it comes to the emotional quotient of children, these days, I observe that there is a perceptible absence of balance. They have been seen experiencing emotions in extremes. At one moment, they are extremely happy and at the other they become angry and aggressive and start questioning everything around them. As I have raised this issue, I cannot avoid the classic case of extremes that I have often discussed in my previous articles and i.e. the one of extreme parenting. What I can observe these days is that parents are either over- involved (helicopter parenting) or not involved at all (passive/dismissive parenting).  It is quantum physics vs classical physics for me, where one adheres to leaps and the other to continuity, respectively.

In case of helicopter parenting, I have seen cases where parents become so involved with the child that they worry and become anxious about his classwork or a revision test, more than the child himself. They are so much involved that they decide which sport the child would play, what time and from which coach. They start getting involved in such a manner that the child is left with no privacy or choice to make decisions. In the case of passive parenting, the parents just fulfil their duties of providing the child with the necessities and rarely get involved in communication with him. For example, the classic case of misuse of digital advancement i.e. mobile phones, comes naturally to my mind. Often, at public places like restaurants, theatres, functions and events; I have seen that parents just handover mobile phones to their kids to keep them busy. Instead of getting them involved and meet the relatives and friends, they are often automatically and purposely secluded. Often, while travelling, when parents can have great moments of connection with their kids, I observe that the kids as well as parents stick to their mobile phones, avoiding conversations. This goes on for a while and becomes a habit and the same parents wonder, what went wrong when the child grows up to be defiant and uninterested in family life and issues, with least emotional or social connection.

You would have observed it many times that not only the parents but when even 6-7 members of a family travel either by train or bus, they overlook the involvement of the child to the extent that they do not realise that he was engrossed in playing games or watching a video on mobile for the last 2 hours or more. One such incident is fresh in my mind when I was travelling to Delhi which is about an hour’s flight from my place of residence. One girl, of about 2-3 years remained glued to her mobile and watched a cartoon on high volume (which was a disturbance to fellow passengers) and none of the family members were bothered about her. She kept changing the position of her eyes to the extent that she bent sometimes to 60- 70 degrees. This would definitely cause damage to the eyes and the neck of the child which she would not have felt now. There might be innumerable examples like this.

At the same time, it gives me great pleasure to mention that there are families in the present age itself which are raising kids who are rooted to their traditional ethics and connected to the family and society values and ethos. There are families where children get up early and touch the feet of their parents and grandparents every day. Not just this, they usually follow all the rituals which are important for a soothing and pleasant beginning of the day.

I often enjoy small conversations with the students. Once a delightful conversation with a kid of primary block made my day as I realised that the child was extremely attached to his grandparents and tried his best to follow everything they taught. I can imagine this child growing up to become a responsible, calm and empathetic adult. Here, I would like to share another example. Recently, at a function, I met two young children of a couple who are doctors by profession. They did not only greet us with formal good evening with a pleasant and welcoming smile but also moved forward and touched our feet in such a manner that their forehead touched our toes. It was a pleasant surprise to see such a thing in the present times. Looking at our surprised expressions, the parents told us that the children are taught the vedas and the daily rituals described in them. As the father continued and said that the kids are taught to respect and touch the feet of the elders of the family and their teachers, the little girl interrupted him politely and said that they are taught to respect all the elders.

This incident again helped me check and amend the phrase we often use, “kids these days…”. If they are raised right, they grow up to be righteous. So, it all comes to one thing- balanced parenting. I know and agree that with technological advancement, easy accessibility of internet and dearth of time, parenting has become challenging but I believe that such incidents teach us that it is never impossible to raise cultured and compassionate kids, at any age and time.

It all comes to balancing the parenting style. At the outset of the following discussion, I would just clarify that your natural parenting style should never be done away with. It is just that you need to modify it as and when required. The parenting styles commonly used in psychology today are based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist at University of California at Berkeley. In the 1960s, Baumrind noticed that pre-schoolers exhibited distinctly different types of behaviour. Each type of behaviour was highly correlated to a specific kind of parenting. Baumrind’s theory is that there is a close relationship between parenting styles and children’s behaviour, which lead to different outcomes in the children’s lives. Based on extensive observation, interviews and analyses, Baumrind initially identified three different parenting styles: authoritative parenting, authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting.

After decades of research, child development experts recognize that authoritative parenting is the best parenting style. Authoritative parents are warm, attuned and nurturing. They listen to the children and allow autonomy and encourage independence. They reason with children instead of demanding blind obedience and set clear limits on behaviour. They consistently enforce boundaries and use positive discipline instead of punitive, forceful measures. Last but not the least, they earn, not demand, their child’s respect.

So, instead of getting involved, sometimes you can turn the style and ask your child to get involved. No, it isn’t a new concept. It’s just that you need to make your children feel that their opinions, how insignificant they might seem, actually matter. This is the best way to involve your child in daily conversations without difficulty. Make sure that they spend more time with their grandparents/ elderly so that they can create a balance of perspective in this fast-paced internet age. And, even if it might seem difficult, take out time for daily conversations with your children.

Please remember that all this money and fame that many of us are running after, can never soothe our soul as the lovely embrace of our child and a caressing touch of the wrinkled yet loving hand of our parents, at the end of a hectic day. If you have the balance of these two kinds of love in your life, trust me, there isn’t anyone as successful as you.