Stop Proving, Start Improving

There was an advertisement of detergent which was very popular sometimes back and many people still remember the same in which a lady says ~uski sari meri sari se safed kyun? ` Meaning thereby, why is her sari whiter than mine? And then the name of the detergent appears. You will come across many other such examples in which one brand tries to prove self-better than the other by tagging the competitor inferior.  Does it happen in case of ads only or is it common in our day to day life? An employee appreciated for her good work is usually envied by many co-workers and some of them start trying to prove her wrong. A sibling praised by family members might offend the other sibling and then he/she may try to prove her wrong by raising allegations. The same happens in political arena where we find one party trying to prove the other wrong in spite of proving self-right.

 The desire to prove another person/organisation wrong usually originates when we feel jealous, being underestimated or questioned and not confident of doing better than others. Whether it is our capability, intelligence, knowledge, mannerisms, beliefs, notions or any other personal trait, we do not like being undermined or negated. The serious issue is we become furious when someone else is appreciated. In today’s era when we talk about collaborative and cooperative approach in all walks of life this becomes an obstacle to the wellbeing of the society. Should we not learn from the good work efficiently done by somebody (for which he/she is appreciated) than feeling jealous? Unfortunately, all are so much focussed on self-praise and individual growth that the idea of collaboration becomes irrelevant for such groups. This is more visible in our political system (which affects the society indirectly) because it is rare that one party is appreciated for the progressive approach and good work done by the other. Rather one tries to prove the other worst than self. The same feeling seems to have made inroads in societal reference also. I do not know whether political class is the originator here, or the society.  What should actually happen that we learn from good deeds of others and set our actions, goals and aspirations as per our capacity and influence? These goals should be our guiding principles – unwavering and decided by self in a calm state of time. The sole purpose behind doing something shouldn’t be to later rub someone’s face in it, but instead to look at ourselves in the mirror and proudly say, “I did it.”    

Business Management students, in their preparation of becoming future business founders and corporate leaders are often taught to believe in themselves, draw up their plans and put in the work to make it happen. They are also taught to stay unperturbed by the naysayers, doubters and haters, i.e., not to lose sleep over despondency. Now that is an advice, not very easy to follow. But one way, we can try doing it is consciously deciding our motivation. During the initial ‘struggle period’ of our careers, the need to prove people wrong may seem like motivation enough - a catalyst; the fuel to start and keep going even on the darkest days (proving does not mean pulling them down but doing better than what others did not believe in you to achieve). But those who remain focused extrinsically for too long on somebody`s statement or comment, don’t evolve well or fast enough and ultimately get held back.

The act of proving people wrong might seem like a self - affirming act, but over an extended period of time it has the opposite effect. Reason being, if we let someone else’s doubt become our stimulus for hard work, we are basically choosing the need to be surrounded by disbelievers to push us to put our best foot forward. And while it might feel good at first, the happiness we get from proving others wrong does not last. But, the happiness we get from proving ourselves or the people who have faith in us right, lasts forever.

The other very important point to remember is that our dreams do not stem from what others think of us. So basing our actions on their opinion instead of our own aspirations will only distract us. And we wouldn’t want that. The time and energy being put in to prove detractors wrong be better utilised if it otherwise is applied positively and constructively towards our own betterment. If we were to remain in a ‘prove them wrong’ mentality, and not mature past the negativity and disbelief, it will eventually fatigue us.

A true conviction does not need any external validation. When in our hearts we know something is true we have no desire to prove others wrong. Other people only irritate us, when there is some niggling part of us that thinks: What if they are right? I can't possibly let that be true. Let me prove them wrong and then I can quote "I told you so". But when we are completely certain of ourselves, our dedication and our drive, well, then there is simply nothing to prove at all.   

Moreover, if we let our driving force be something as negative as demeaning people around us, we will, sans realising, eventually become a toxic person who unduly antagonises others in turn alienating themselves. And when that happens, our own inner peace will start fading away, as there won’t be enough people to step into the breach and bail us out during situations of our dire need; all for that pitiful amount of ego-gratification.

Now this does not mean that we should not protect or put forward our opinion or beliefs or advocate them. But along with defending our perspectives we must also learn to respect other people’s views and try to understand them if we expect them to respect our views. Being sarcastic or unreasonably stubborn and insulting is not the way to move forward. Be open, be flexible and most importantly be respectful, which might get the other person to be receptive of your views and possibly changing their mind.

Being able to pull off a balanced conversation with someone you do not share common grounds with, is difficult. It is hard to stay composed and avoid a heated argument but the key, even when you are right, is to remember that raising your voice and saying you’re right doesn’t make you more right. The correct way to handle such a situation is to move the conversation from a point of disagreement to shared understanding — and even then, it doesn’t mean the other person is wrong. We should not overlook the fact that just as tightly as we are holding the conviction in what we think, know, or are an expert in, the other person in the conversation is likely holding their beliefs as true. And when we run up against the same issues repeatedly, we should understand that it is time to change the approach.

For a lot of people, ‘The best defense is attack’, but this ‘I win only if you lose’ mentality, in my opinion, is pretty catastrophic.  The line of argument for such an approach is, there always is - only one right and one wrong. So if we prove the other party wrong, we automatically become the remaining right. But as soon as we accept that the world is actually various shades of grey and not black or white, and there is no constraint of having only two sides, this line of argument completely fails. In fact, sometimes proving someone wrong makes us in the wrong.

To conclude, I would to say that basing our happiness on someone else’s sorrow is simply harsh. Let us not forget that proving another person wrong does not automatically make us right and the world will be a better and a much more peaceful place if we agree to disagree. Take your criticism and other`s appreciation as the source to introspect, realise your potential and reach the goal which you are capable of. I have avoided citing my personal examples here (which are many) to prove that when I came across a situation where somebody ridiculed me, I tried harder not to prove the other wrong but I thanked the other person who triggered my introspection. We should always be grateful to all those who encouraged us to have done better (directly or indirectly). Prove yourself right to yourself instead of proving others wrong.