Values Are Taught and Learned at Home

“Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than what is absolutely essential.”

Both school and home play a crucial role in the holistic upbringing of a child. Where home is considered to be the foundation stone of development; school deals with the progress of a child, year after year, in constant collaboration with his/her home. Holistic development of a child is impossible if any of these pillars work in isolation. Also, the era of technology has dawned upon us. Today, a child is exposed to latest products of technological advancement, both at home as well as school. At home, children have Alexa and Siri at their beck and call and at school the classrooms have become smart. There is a video to explain every concept in a fun filled manner. Isn’t this a rosy picture depicting progress and development? But beyond all the support, love and facilities provided at home and all the learning outcomes and sustainable development goals achieved in the schools, there is a basic ingredient of a person’s character that will never get outdated or old fashioned, i.e. ETIQUETTE. It refers to the customary code of polite behaviour in society or among members of a particular group. Now, the question arises, the onus of developing etiquettes in a child should lie on the school or the child’s home?

 Here, I would like to share a Facebook post that I came across quite recently. There was an appeal to the parents by Schools Division of Santiago City (Republic of the Philippines, Department of Education) which requested the parents to make sure that their kids use the magic words such as hello, please, you’re welcome, I’m sorry and thank you; and this all begins at home. It also emphasised that it is at home that children learn to be honest, to be on time, diligent, show friends their sympathy, as well as show utmost respect for their elders and all teachers. Home is the foundation where they also learn to be clean, not talk with their mouths full, and how/where to properly dispose of garbage, to be organized, to take good care of their belongings, and that it’s not ok to touch others. Interestingly, it described the role of the school, mentioning that at school, on the other hand, language, math, history, geography, physics, sciences, and physical education are taught. It only reinforces the education that children receive at home from their parents.

This thought-provoking piece speaks volumes. I totally support the way they have appealed the parents for a very important cause but at the same time I disagree with the point that schools “only reinforce the education that children receive at home from parents”. What I believe is that manners and etiquettes are a part and parcel of a child’s conscious as well as natural behaviour. You cannot expect a child to behave formally in the school by just following certain set of rules at home. School also shares this responsibility as discipline is an integral part of school’s culture.

Right from entering the school premises a child needs to realize that he is responsible to act in a certain set decorum. I always emphasise that children learn through emulation. So, teachers need to be careful with their communication and behaviour in front of the kids. Moreover, it is important for the teachers and school authorities to realize that not every child comes from the love-filled, balanced household that one expects for them. The negative conditions, conflicts and problems that might be a part of some homes, will definitely show poorly in a child’s behaviour. The frustration, insecurities and despair won’t often allow him to maintain the poise and self control that is expected of him. While the younger kids would reflect this through not actively participating in the classroom and the teenagers would show it through sheer indifference and aggression. In these situations only school and especially teachers can come to their rescue. Using reverse-psychology, they can patiently deal with such behaviour, showing that they are always there for unconditional help and support. Through this, they can subtly prove to the child that he is not what he is shaping into because of his situations.

But the problem arises when parents leave the entire burden of inculcating manners, on the school, leaving the child on his own whims and fancies at home. If the parents are not serious about implementing the above mentioned points, the school will not be able to succeed in impressing the same on their minds. Sometimes we also come across parents who cannot believe that their child misbehaves in school because he acts quite differently at home. What’s going on? It turns out that a child’s school behaviour can differ dramatically from his home behaviour. “Children will often be more of a challenge in one situation than another,” says Jamila Reid, a clinical psychologist at the University of Washington.

“Parent education instructor Lynn Faherty feels that many young children lack coping skills and need help making smooth, stress-free transitions between home and school. Here are some of her suggestions to get involved with your kids emotionally so as to improve their behaviour: Make sure your child getting enough sleep, exercise, and right food. Make sure your kids know you’re there for them — and that they can count on you no matter what. Get into the mind of your child. What is it like for him during times of transition? When a child meets a parent at the end of the school day, there is an expectation. The child is waiting for a special “reunification” time — a hug, a rub on the head, a routine of some sort but parents have their own schedules and agendas. So there is a need to spare some time to have meaningful discussions on morality and ethics through readings and sharing anecdotes to which the child can relate.”  (Source: https://www.parentmap.com/article/school-vs-home-your-childs-two-personas)

Here I should introduce the concept of ‘Playfulness Quotient’ which I recently came across. While trying to discipline the child we really need to make sure that etiquettes become a part and parcel of their lives rather than being a burden, enforced on them. The innocence and playfulness of a child should remain intact. Kids are extremely good at shrugging off negative energy. Using their positive attitude, discipline can be subtly introduced. Shelja Sen in her article, ‘Forget IQ and EQ, it is all about PQ’ mentions, “Kids respond best to play. So, brushing teeth could be about declaring war on evil germs, with heavy toothbrush artillery. Colouring could be feeding colours to the hungry flowers without spilling out of the line.” For this the parents and teachers should not only keep their PQ alive but showcase the same in presence of the children. The fast-growing disease of depression and frustration will be eradicated to the maximum extent if PQ is displayed by all.

Good manners and etiquettes cannot be developed in isolation. They are an integral part of a child’s emotional and social growth. One cannot confine the teaching of etiquette to a Moral Science period. It is inculcated in every interaction that a child has at home as well as school. “They have much to do with the emotions. To make them ring true, one must feel them, not merely exhibit them. Let's not confuse traditional behaviours with good manners. The definition of etiquette is gender neutral - it simply means we strive at all times to ensure a person in our company feels at ease.” Let us help our children grow as ideal world citizens.