Being in control and being controlling

The issue of generation gap has always seen some kind of conflict between the parents and the children,specially the teenagers.We were not allowed to do everything which we desired and I am sure none of us liked it.The parents have been rightly wanting to control their kids in one or the other way.This control can be of two types, behavioral control and psychological control and the problem or the result will depend upon which kind of control prevails in the family.Let us try to understand the difference between two types of control. Behavioral control includes being in authority,making age appropriate demands from the children,setting limits and monitoring the child`s behaviour.Psychological control is characterised by two elements, (a) it intrudes into the psychological world of the child and(b) it attempts to manipulate the thoughts and feelings of the child by invoking shame and anxiety.If analysed objectively ,it is found that behavioral control has positive effects on the child while psychological control have negative effects.The parents who use behavioral control are in control whereas the psychological control is considered by the children as controlling and intrusive.The following example will  make the difference between these two more clear.In case of behavioral control the parents might say," Child you should limit the time watching TV so that your grades improve,you should make your bed before leaving the room so that the room appears to be well organised,my dear son/daughter,do yo need some help?" and in psychological control," If you do not work hard you will not be able to earn even a single rupee in life,you will wander on the roads bare footed if do not study."The other statement so often used by us is that "I have done so much for you, how can you do this to me",is also an example of the same. I shall take example how to control the psychological control.A lady counsellor had two sons. One day her husband and one son had gone out of the town.The other son was approached by his friend to have a party at his home to celebrate some achievements.The lady counsellor was well aware that the young kids cannot have the alcoholic drinks and so was the case known to her son also.The boy was very careful and made sure that no alcohol was available to the children and that was the reason he had locked the bar of his father, the doors of the house were closed so that nobody can come from outside.The mother was watching them till ten p.m and then she went to sleep while the children were still enjoying their party.It would been around two a.m, when she heard some noise  and the sound of siren as if the police or ambulance might have been around.She came out of her room and really found a police van.The reason was when she went to sleep some children had brought alcohol and one child over drank which created panic and the other children were frightened regarding the health of the child who was drunk and due that worry they called the police. The police was upset with the lady and asked her as to why did she allow drinking to the underage children.The matter was solved amicably and later on when the lady was sitting with her son and discussing why and how did it happen.She understood it that her son had taken all precautions and it was not because of his fault and he did not want to do that.She did not scold or say anything to him despite the fact she had to face difficult questions from the police.The reason was that she was more concerned about the behavioral control than psychological control.In this situation had she said the statement like, "you have let me down in front of everyone, you do not care about our reputation" then her son would have been hurt much more.She knew that there was no problem as far as the behavior of her son was concerned.
Sometimes the types of the control get overlapped also but the intelligent parents would be able to distinguish and act as per the need of the situation.To have appropriate control on your kids is very important but the parents should know it well how much and when.As you saw in the example mentioned above the lady did not try to exert when it was not needed in this situation.The case would have been different if her son would have knowingly done something wrong.So, as parents we should be very careful in judging when and how to control.Controlling the food habits of the children will yield positive effects but controlling the child`s emotional and psychological needs will have negative effect.When the parent control the behaviour, the children do not react that negatively as when they are controlled psychologically.When you tell your daughter that she should sleep on time so that next day in the school she does not feel sleepy,she might agree to that but if you ask her, why does she remain awake all the night like an owl, then she is hurt and will react in a negative manner.The parents and other family members must understand, when they are in control and when they are controlling.Being in control is good but controlling is not.